As part of the PERMA model
we are discussing I would like to expand on the third letter
R:
R -
Relationships
As human beings, we were created to
be connected in relationships. We were created in God's image, and
God is constantly in a relationship-God the Father, with His Son,
Jesus, and His Spirit. The Trinity is in constant relationship with
One another, and They created us in Their image. So we are in
relationship with Them, but They also created us to be in
relationship with one another. They created marriages, families,
friends, brothers, and sisters in Christ. It was God's idea from
the beginning. We are, therefore, not meant to be alone, but to
form part of a group; we have that natural desire rooted within. We
were wired to need love, affection, attention, interaction, and
emotional support when things get tough (
PERMA Model - Overview, Core Elements and Workplace Application
(corporatefinanceinstitute.com) - 7 March 2022). We need people
in our lives who we can share good news with, we need people who
can celebrate success with us, and we need people who can support
us and who we can cry with. It is very important. Also, we need to
celebrate the success of others, be truly happy for them, and
support them too! It actually lifts you up and makes you feel
better as well.
Loss of connection with people is
very dangerous. The COVID-19 pandemic has amplified this with
social distancing. The authorities really used the wrong word, as
social distancing will kill you inside before the virus does. They
actually had to rename it "physical distancing," as you still had
to be socially active through electronic means. But now that the
pandemic is over, we really need to connect physically again too.
It is very important. At one stage in my life, I was very angry and
disappointed in people in general and tried to avoid contact with
people as much as possible. But it made matters so much worse. I
realized that isolation is not the answer, as it leads to
loneliness and that is much worse than what anyone can do to
you.
Now I am not saying that you need
to connect with a huge amount of people on a daily basis.
Extroverts would love that, but introverts would feel drained. All
I am saying is; have a couple of people in your life that have your
back. Research has shown that it increases well-being and happiness
if you have at least one person in your life who you can call to
help you or to give you advice, people who truly have your back no
matter what. We all need people like that. If you do not have
people like that, then join communities, such as a church, an
outreach, a Bible study group, or go and do some volunteering. You
are bound to meet like-minded people there. As the old saying goes:
"Be the friend that you would like to have."
Then pray about it and be open to
God's leading. He will bless you with the right friends in your
life. Just do not isolate yourself and think they will come
knocking on your door. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. You
need to put yourself out there. The harvest is great and the
workers are few (Matthew 9:37). There will always be a place for
you to volunteer, help, and learn together with other
believers.
One skill that is very important to
learn in creating new relationships and also in maintaining them is
to listen. There are few things in the world that make me feel so
insignificant to someone else than if they don't listen to me. They
may hear what I am saying, as nothing is wrong with their
hearing, but they do not listen. They are either
preoccupied with their phone or other gadget, or they simply do not
value what I have to say. Needless to say, relationships like that
do not run very deep. But we also need to be good listeners. If we
truly want lasting good relationships, we need to learn to listen
and to follow up on what we heard being said by the other party. As
Winston Churchill said (https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/winston_churchill_161628
- 7 March 2022):
"Courage is what it takes to
stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and
listen."
To truly listen is an art, and it
takes courage, especially in conflict situations or in the work
environment with a colleague that you might not agree with or
during negotiations. But just sitting still and being quiet doesn't
mean that you are actually listening. True listening is to really
understand what the other party is saying. Do not listen trying to
formulate an answer to them. Be an active listener; try to
understand their point of view. You don't have to agree with them,
but you can at least understand why they are feeling the way that
they do. Listening is the foundation! As Stephen Covey, the writer
of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People says (
https://www.keycompounding.com/about/seek-first-to-understand-then-to-be-understood/
- 7 March 2022):
"Seek first to understand and
then to be understood. Most people do not listen with the intent to
understand; they listen with the intent to reply."
We can learn from that. There are
many instances in the Bible where Jesus really listened and waited
before He replied. He truly listened and spent time with people
trying to understand their intent and their hearts. We must do the
same. Seek to understand first, then to be understood; this is very
important in all relationships. Much heartache and pain can be
spared this way.
(Excerpt from
Flourishing: God's Way by Ilze Henderson)